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Chapter 7: Three Small Things

001

Late at night, I suddenly remembered a few events that had happened.

When I was a 2nd year University student, a high school classmate came to Changsha to meet me.

During our chat she mentioned, “I always thought you were studying in University C because of Mr. F.”

I said I wasn’t, and asked her why she would think that way.

She said, “Don’t you know? University C and Mr. F’s university have a programme whereby they exchange students annually.”

I knew about this, because when I first entered university the school did mention such a programme. However, I never really took notice of it.

“When we were filling in our forms relating to our desired universities, Mr. F suddenly came to look for me and asked me whether my brother was a University C student who was currently on an exchange programme in England. I said yes, and that University C had slots for students to go on an exchange programme to England every year. Mr. F then asked me for my brother’s MSN. At that time, I thought he was interested in University C. It was only later when I understood that he was actually asking on your behalf.”

Stunned, I said, “But he has never ever told me about this.”

“Perhaps he didn’t want to stress you about it.”

My mind went blank.

When I was filling in my form relating to my desired universities, I was extremely indecisive. I’m not like Guan Chao or Mr. F, both of whom could easily obtain admission into any university which they selected. Rather, my grades were mediocre at best, and thus it was very hard for me to select a university. Now that I think about it, the universities which I ultimately selected were all universities which Mr. F had found by flipping through the entire university admission booklet.

It was only then that I understood – starting from a long time ago, back when I was still cowering in fear, trying to push him far away from me, he had already silently started to make plans incorporating me into his future.

During the process of growing up, the most regretful part often lies in the fact that we always meet the best people we’d ever meet when we’re still ignorant and clueless, and thus we fail to recognize their goodness.

002

The second thing.

I’m a person whose reaction time is very slow; thus, I didn’t particularly miss him after he left. The truth was, even without him, I managed to live my University life in a very fulfilling and joyful manner, and I even made a bunch of extremely interesting and cheerful friends. Till today, I still think back very fondly on my University life.

One day, I was studying in the library. It was about 4PM in the late afternoon. As I was seated near the window, the sunlight shone through the louvre window onto my book. Illuminated by the sunlight, a single sentence stood out to me: “The beauty of spring has arrived, but you’re no longer by my side.”

On my way home, that sentence kept repeating itself in my mind, and I couldn’t get rid of it no matter how hard I tried. Normally, I would only require 10 minutes to walk from the library back to my dorm; on that day, however, I took a long detour, and walked the entire circumference of the school.

As the sun began to set, I started making my way back to the dorm.

The last rays of sunlight remained on the ground, and the Chinese Parasol trees lining the streets were swaying in the wind. Everything was as per normal, and everything was progressing smoothly, but in that very moment, I suddenly understood the saying “If you’re able to bring yourself to talk about it, you’re not experiencing true loneliness.”

My brain kept replaying the sentence: The beauty of spring has arrived, but you’re no longer by my side.

At that time, the school radio started broadcasting Jeff Chang’s ‘White Moonlight’.

White moonlight; it shines on the horizon

You’re in my heart, but you’re not in my arms

I’m unable to wipe away the tears you shed in the past

The time had passed; it’s too late to ask for forgiveness

White moonlight; it shines on the horizon

The full moon reflects my loneliness

I’m unable to wipe away the tears in my memory

The time had passed; how do I make amends for the mistakes in the past

As I listened to the song, I started crying beside the road.

That was the first time I cried over his departure after he left. I’m normally very good at controlling my emotions and enduring any form of pain – but at that moment, I truly felt that I was unable to control my emotions any longer. I discovered that I still had so much to say to him. I wanted to tell him that right now, I’m very happy, that I no longer felt any sense of inferiority, that my life has become relaxed and joyful. I wanted to tell him that I worked every single day to improve myself, that I participated in various extra-curricular activities, and that I signed up for various self-improvement classes. I wanted to tell him that I was gradually morphing into a better person, and that I was filled with hope whenever I thought about my future. Right now, I’m the best I’ve ever been – everything would be perfect if only you were by my side.

And yet, the beauty of spring has arrived, but you’re no longer by my side.

003

Having written the above two passages, my heart felt rather heavy. I shut the laptop and turned back to look at him.

He had already fallen asleep. As the new razor had left a small cut on his jaw, I stuck a Spongebob Squarepants plaster on him out of mischief.

I crawled onto the bed and whispered in his ear, “Can we promise never to separate in the future?”

“It’s in the middle of the night, don’t be crazy.” He grunted sleepily.

“Answer me first.”

He helped tuck me into the blanket with his eyes shut.

“From the first day I met you, I have never thought about separating.”

This is the third small thing.